I am getting so depressed. The temp Interstim was taken out last week. They made it sound like they would be calling me by the end of the week to schedule a perm one. I havent heard anything. I called Fri to find out but had to leave a message for the lady who was getting it approved through insurance. It is so hard going from being able to pee to getting distended. The temp worked soo well. I only wish he would have let me keep it in till I got the perm one.
My back is still sore and hurting from where it was. I got my 2nd lupron shot this past week. My pelvic pain is hurting pretty bad. I hate taking meds for it, I feel as if I am killing my liver and my brain. They dont even help that much anyways.
I have been getting tingling in my feet. I have to move them around almost constantly. If I dont, then the tingling goes up my legs. Its very uncomfortable and weird. Also, I have been having problems saying words. About 5-10 times a day I will be looking at something (like the couch) and I can not say the word. Or I will call it something completely different. I do not do it on purpose either. I am not sure if this is from being exhausted, both mentally and physically, or the cause of some health issue. But it is really frustrating.
Nursing is extremely difficult for me right now. I am really questioning why did I get into this now. I am constantly studying and never have a break for anything. Logan has really been affected by this. I have tried to make time to play with him each day, but even then it isnt as much as I used to. I used to be with him almost all day every day. Now, its barely 1 hour of just me and Logan time. It has really affected him, and made him really grouchy and angry. He has thrown so many fits and that definetly doesnt help with the migraines. I am hoping that it gets better and I am able to dedicate more time to him and help him feel more loved. I feel like a horrible mom. I really have too much on my plate right now. But I dont know what I can do to have less. At the moment I will just have to take it, deal with it, and hope that I dont wind up in a psych ward or something because of the anxiety and depression. Urgh it is just so frustrating.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Interstim comes out tomorrow :(
My weekend with Interstim is almost over. I am not ready for this new relationship to end! Tomorrow I get to go back to my dr and they are going to take it out. I wish I could just keep it in until I am able to do the surgery for the permenant one.
I have been able to pee all weekend like a normal/real girl! you have no idea how amazing that feels. When you have been going only 2-3 times a day. and when you go you sit and try for about 10-20 min before you are able to pee. Then you pee a gallon of liquid. And there is still a ton left your bladder that wont come out when you are done!
This weekend I have used the bathroom regulargy, little-to no hesitancy, and nothing left in the bladder! I am so happy. But I am not ready for this to end. Tomorrow, I go back to being a grandma. :(
The tape that is holding my ports and stuff in place is really itching me. My back has been killing me too. They told me to try to keep my back as straight as possible so that I dont get the cables out of place. But man oh man it hurts soo bad. Also, my back and upper buttox are very sore. I have to be careful sitting down.
I took my Ambien tonight and cant go to bed yet. Waiting on a phone call. So I am not sure if words are coming out the right way or not! Ugh I havent slept good in a long time.
I am really nervous about tomorrow and what they will say. I have noticed a difference and I hope they tell me that we can put the permenant one in. But I am scared about the cost and what my insurance will cover. Will I even have the money to pay for what they dont cover?
Sometimes I just feel so inept. I feel as if I cant do anything right and that there is always something wrong with me. When am I ever going to be in good health? I guess I could be considered in good health. I am not dying, I dont have cancer. I am just in extreme pelvic pain from the endo, my lower back is killing me, and I cant pee (with the exception of this weekend because of my interstim). So other than that I am in relatively good health!
Sometimes I just feel so inept. I feel as if I cant do anything right and that there is always something wrong with me. When am I ever going to be in good health? I guess I could be considered in good health. I am not dying, I dont have cancer. I am just in extreme pelvic pain from the endo, my lower back is killing me, and I cant pee (with the exception of this weekend because of my interstim). So other than that I am in relatively good health!
Tomorrow I get to wear my Interstim to school. I am really embarrassed about this device and what it does mainly because I have to use it. But at the same time I think that it is really interesting and amazing. I am taking this experience and turning it into show & tell and education. Instead of people staring I am just going to explain it to them. Much easier that way!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Nursing and Interstim
School is going really well. It has been crazy though, there is just a ton of information to take in and I miss a lot. The teachers talk really fast and I am not able to grasp everything they say. Luckily though between a few friends in class I have been able to get info that I may have missed.
We had a practice test to give us an idea of how the real test would go. Afterwards I felt really confidant that I had done a great job. It seemed as if everyone had the same answers. Well, the results came back and I made a 68 I was bummed. The passing grade is a 78. 77 or below is considered failing.
I have been studying my butt off, and the questions I missed were because of stupid stuff. I really kicked myself in the butt for that.
We took our real test 2 days later and I made an 82. I wish I could have done better, but I was just glad that I passed. I felt really bad for my bnbe (best nursing buddy ever). She made a 74 and had to do remediation. She studied so hard. But the test is not like "what is the definition of...?" It is critical thinking. It gives you a situation and asks which is the best or what you do first. All of the answers are something you would do, but you have to choose the best answer so it is difficult.
We had a surprise drug test on Tuesday. That morning I had draken 1 bottle of water, 1 glass of apple juice, and 1 glass of coffee. That is more than enough to make someone want to pee, but for me its a no go. So, the teacher comes in and says dont get up, dont leave your desk, we are doing a drug test. Luckily I had 2 bottles of water in my bag so I started chugging.
Lucky me, my name starts with a C so I was called pretty quickly. I told the lady doing it that I have bladder problems and she just told me to sit and try. I really dont think she believed me. So, I sat there for 20 minutes pushing and trying to go. I know that any normal person would have been able to if they had drank as much as me, but I was not. I couldnt go. I pushed and tried so hard and it wouldnt come.
What was worse, about 10 minutes into me trying, the other lady steps in and says "We need to get someone in here who can pee." That really hurt my feelings. I felt so bad, so inadequate. So they started bringing in other people to pee. After about 20 minutes of sitting there it finally came. I was so glad, but so embarrassed. I just wish they had let me wait until my bladder was ready.
I went to my urologist on Thursday. My retention is getting a little better, but I am still having problems feeling the senstion when my bladder is full. I have to wait until I am about to explode before I can pee. And even then I cant get it all out. Sometimes I can, just depending on how long I have had the sensation to go, but not always. Its really weird.
So, the dr is going to try an Interstim. It is like a pacemaker for the bladder and colon. It sends electric signals to the sacral nerves that tell them to work. On Thursday he is going to give me a temporary one. There will be probes that will go under the skin of my back and a huge batter pack that will be taped to my back. I will have to wear it for 48 hrs. If it works that means that I have nerve damage and would explain my retention problems. If it works, then he will put a permenant one in. The permenant one is the size of a credit card and goes into the skin of my back. You cant even really see it but I would have a small scar from where it was put. That one gets a remote control so you can turn it off and on, and control how often you get the signals.
I am really excited about this and hope it works. Its kind of cool thinking about it. I am such a dork, but I am tired of taking flomax. I feel like such an old man. I mean I am 27 and the only reason I can pee is because of a prostrate drug. It is just frustrating.
If this works, then I will get a medical card that I will have to carry around. It is metal so that means no MRI's and no metal detectors. Could you imagine getting an MRI with metal in your back? OUCH that would hurt tearing out of your skin!
So, wish me luck that this treatment will work. My loving hubby is getting frustrated too. He was hoping that I would be better by now, and I was too. URGH!!!
We had a practice test to give us an idea of how the real test would go. Afterwards I felt really confidant that I had done a great job. It seemed as if everyone had the same answers. Well, the results came back and I made a 68 I was bummed. The passing grade is a 78. 77 or below is considered failing.
I have been studying my butt off, and the questions I missed were because of stupid stuff. I really kicked myself in the butt for that.
We took our real test 2 days later and I made an 82. I wish I could have done better, but I was just glad that I passed. I felt really bad for my bnbe (best nursing buddy ever). She made a 74 and had to do remediation. She studied so hard. But the test is not like "what is the definition of...?" It is critical thinking. It gives you a situation and asks which is the best or what you do first. All of the answers are something you would do, but you have to choose the best answer so it is difficult.
We had a surprise drug test on Tuesday. That morning I had draken 1 bottle of water, 1 glass of apple juice, and 1 glass of coffee. That is more than enough to make someone want to pee, but for me its a no go. So, the teacher comes in and says dont get up, dont leave your desk, we are doing a drug test. Luckily I had 2 bottles of water in my bag so I started chugging.
Lucky me, my name starts with a C so I was called pretty quickly. I told the lady doing it that I have bladder problems and she just told me to sit and try. I really dont think she believed me. So, I sat there for 20 minutes pushing and trying to go. I know that any normal person would have been able to if they had drank as much as me, but I was not. I couldnt go. I pushed and tried so hard and it wouldnt come.
What was worse, about 10 minutes into me trying, the other lady steps in and says "We need to get someone in here who can pee." That really hurt my feelings. I felt so bad, so inadequate. So they started bringing in other people to pee. After about 20 minutes of sitting there it finally came. I was so glad, but so embarrassed. I just wish they had let me wait until my bladder was ready.
I went to my urologist on Thursday. My retention is getting a little better, but I am still having problems feeling the senstion when my bladder is full. I have to wait until I am about to explode before I can pee. And even then I cant get it all out. Sometimes I can, just depending on how long I have had the sensation to go, but not always. Its really weird.
So, the dr is going to try an Interstim. It is like a pacemaker for the bladder and colon. It sends electric signals to the sacral nerves that tell them to work. On Thursday he is going to give me a temporary one. There will be probes that will go under the skin of my back and a huge batter pack that will be taped to my back. I will have to wear it for 48 hrs. If it works that means that I have nerve damage and would explain my retention problems. If it works, then he will put a permenant one in. The permenant one is the size of a credit card and goes into the skin of my back. You cant even really see it but I would have a small scar from where it was put. That one gets a remote control so you can turn it off and on, and control how often you get the signals.
I am really excited about this and hope it works. Its kind of cool thinking about it. I am such a dork, but I am tired of taking flomax. I feel like such an old man. I mean I am 27 and the only reason I can pee is because of a prostrate drug. It is just frustrating.
If this works, then I will get a medical card that I will have to carry around. It is metal so that means no MRI's and no metal detectors. Could you imagine getting an MRI with metal in your back? OUCH that would hurt tearing out of your skin!
So, wish me luck that this treatment will work. My loving hubby is getting frustrated too. He was hoping that I would be better by now, and I was too. URGH!!!
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